Lessons in Nigerian Protocol

My teacher, she is the first lady of Lagos state, beautiful elegant and somewhat stylish. She was heralded into the offices of Channels TV by an entourage. I moved out of the way and stood in a corner. Chief (Mrs.) Oluremi Tinubu sat down with two ladies, all three dressed casually in trousers, nice looking leather slippers and t-shirts with the inscription – Committee of Wives of Lagos State Officials.

I could not help but stare at her t-shirt for a few seconds. Bad manners, I thought, you do not stare at people, and even worse when it’s a lady’s top, as what you are staring at could be misconstrued, I looked away quickly.

I am used to seeing government officials being self-assured and confident, Mrs Tinubu seems one notch above that, as Bola Balogun, the producer of Channels TV’s Sunrise introduced a young man as make-up artiste to assist her. Unfortunately, the young man did not do himself justice as he was wearing a slightly oversized track suit top and bottom, with bathroom slippers in tow.

The First Lady instantly said no that she is sure her make-up is good enough for the occasion and that she has her make-up bag with one of her staff and will use it if she feels she needs to touch it up, but she is sure she has done a good enough job.

As she continued her discussion with her staff and kept looking in my direction with a smile and rhetorical questions that could be misconstrued as invitation to comment, I bid my time and thought it only normal to introduce myself.

Once the staff moved away, I decided to take my chance, move closer, introduce myself and give her my business card. Now, let the lessons begin… I am proudly six foot tall, but had to bend a little to show my well crafted, London business card to madam and in my polished English, said “Good morning ma’am, my name is Kayode Akintemi”.

The look on beautiful face of the First Lady, reminded me of my Mum’s look when I had done things that some other mothers would normally bring out “koboko” or “electric cable” to ensure you get marked before being threatened with being disowned.

Madam’s look caught me completely by surprise… she then told me “who did you say you are again?”, before I could say my name, she went on and told me “no you don’t just come and talk to me like that, there is protocol to be observed”, and I said “sorry madam, but…” she interjected before my sentence was completed, “where did you come from?”

I thought, good one now, let me impress Madam, “I am from London ma’am, we are setting up a television…”, madam did not hear the rest, she chipped in again, “do you just go and talk to the Queen of England when you see her in public without observing protocol” I thought, “uh oh”, but again, unlike me, I apologized one more time “sorry, but…” madam answered her own question, “of course not”.

At this point, my back was beginning to ache from bending as she remained seated and my hand, stretched out with my business card, went limb, slowly withdrew itself and found a way to get into my pocket to hide itself in embarrassment.

Let me redeem myself and show Madam I have some commonsense, I thought, I would mention that my lack of understanding of protocol she expected was because, I did not have to go through anyone to speak with “Oga”, the Asiwaju Bola Tinubu when we met in London.

By this time, I had become a “non-entity”, simply deemed a “persona non-grata”, as Madam completely “blanked me out” and would not acknowledge me or anything I had to say. Like a naughty boy, I went back to my seat, my legs could not hold the weight of my athletic frame, so I sat down, brought out my laptop and started writing.

I was concerned that madam, the teacher, our distinguished and eminent first lady of lagos state would look at me sternly again and ask me what I was doing now, so I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, moved my laptop to prevent her or her friend from seeing the screen. I started putting my first lesson in protocol in words that I can understand.

While writing this, it crossed my mind that a few weeks back, while in London, Tokunbo Odebunmi, the CEO of Obalende Suya, organized a special media reception for Asiwaju Bola Tinubu. I was one of the privileged media practitioners invited. During the event, I did not think twice about going to the “high-table”, introduce myself to His Excellency, the Governor of Lagos and informed him of my plans to launch a radio show in Nigeria. He smiled, shook my hand and introduced me to charming Commissioner for Information, Mr. Dele Alake.

Interestingly enough, two weeks before the event at the Obalende Suya in London, the Nigeria Diaspora Organisation Europe (NIDOE) organized an event attended by the brilliant Minister of Information Frank Nweke Jr., a lady now known in London as “Minister for Solid Education”, Mrs Oby Ezekwesili and Mrs Cherie Blair, wife of the British Prime Minister.

At the occasion, all of these eminent individuals were seemingly happy to spare a few minutes to have a chat with me without insisting on protocol, especially the British First Lady whom we shook hands and she introduced me to her Executive Assistant to ensure I secure appointment for future meeting.

The Governor of Lagos state is a man I have great respect for and will surely agree that his title as "Asiwaju" is very apt, in view of his achievement in the extremely difficult to govern Lagos state. I have been told that the wife of the Governor can be very nice and charming, and I probably caught her on the wrong day, wrong time, wrong place… so I will try again, I have every intention of inviting her to Breakfast with Mr. Kay on EKO 89.75FM in the very near future…